Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between.
And somehow, the spouses of Twitter continue to find humour in the minutiae of married life and sum it up perfectly in no more than 280 characters.
Every other Monday, we round up the funniest marriage tweets of the previous two weeks. Read on for 25 relatable new ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
WIFE: [watching me unwrap a 10th piece of candy] how many of those are you going to eat?
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) November 7, 2020
ME: it’s the weekend, this is how i party now
1.
When I feel like my husband seems to relaxed, I’ll just start a sentence with “y’know, I’ve been thinking...”
— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) October 27, 2020
2.
The best way to make sure my husband doesn’t follow instructions is to give him instructions.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) November 5, 2020
3.
Husband, “I’m going to the store, do you need anything?”
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) November 5, 2020
Me, “A bottle of champagne.”
Husband, “Oh, I got you one yesterday.”
Me, “I said what I said.”
4.
My husband was surprised to learn that my daughter’s Wednesday swim lesson was being held on a Wednesday again.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) November 4, 2020
5.
My husband just found a recipe for cauliflower taco "meat" so we're gonna need a divorce lawyer.
— Black Lives Matter Betty (@EzMacArt) November 2, 2020
6.
I haven't waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
— Kent Graham (@KentWGraham) November 5, 2020
7.
wife: let's just run into Target really quick
— The Dad (@thedad) November 8, 2020
me, 45 min later: you think we can grab some lunch soon
wife: pic.twitter.com/W8FvgplpJB
8.
Ohh goodie...
— Lezz Mom🌈 (@lezzimomof2) November 8, 2020
The season to be pissed off at your spouse for leaving their Kleenex in their pants that’s now in the lint catcher is upon us.
yay.
9.
Wife: I made a cake.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 28, 2020
Me: What's the occasion?
Wife: I wanted cake.
The best occasion of all.
10.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) November 9, 2020
11.
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
— Lil Bit 🌈 (@LizerReal) November 2, 2020
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
12.
My husband complained that I don't do any housework. Um, excuse me, it's not like the salt & pepper shakers fill themselves, mister.
— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) October 31, 2020
13.
Has anyone else reached the “husband playing guitar alone in the bedroom” phase of Election Day
— Sarah Cooper (@sarahcpr) November 3, 2020
14.
The wife asked if I was still in the shower, it's like she knew I was hiding in there all this time.
— Forward March (@RunOldMan) November 3, 2020
15.
I went ahead and put up my Christmas tree yesterday. Now I can put all the presents my husband didn't know he bought for me under there.
— Felicia (@LostFelicia) November 6, 2020
16.
STOP THE COUNT!!
— karanbir singh (@karanbirtinna) November 6, 2020
- Me, to my wife when she counts the number of drinks I had
17.
My wife accidentally threw one of my shirts in the dryer.
— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) November 8, 2020
On the bright side I now have a new belly shirt for when we go clubbing.
18.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) November 2, 2020
19.
My husband said the dogs’ Halloween costumes were an unnecessary expense. Looks like the Grinch is stealing more than Christmas this year, y’all.
— Darlin’ Darla (@Darlainky) October 29, 2020
20.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) November 9, 2020
21.
My mother gave me a Tupperware of dulce de leche which is now empty and my wife is trying to convince me that "it evaporated because it's made with evaporated milk".
— jess salomon (@jess_salomon) November 5, 2020
22.
I thought I was happily married & then my husband put the toilet paper on the wrong way.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) November 1, 2020
23.
Sure I hate doing stupid things but what I really hate is knowing that I just gave my husband ammunition for our next fight
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) November 9, 2020
24.
My wife leaning on the kitchen counter with her head in her hands is the human equivalent of the “5% battery remaining” warning. "
— The Dad (@thedad) November 2, 2020
25.
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